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Supreme Court Wins Washington Softball Championship
The Supreme Court of the United States is the new Washington D.C. softball champion.
The nine members of the Court advanced to the title game against the Department of Defense after beating the Department of Justice in the semi-finals. In that game, Attorney General John Ashcroft hit into a game-ending double play. He later said, "Jesus didn't want us to win, I guess," and returned to his office to "fine tune" the USA PATRIOT Act.
The DOD advanced when they steamrolled the Department of Health and Human Services in their semi-final game, winning 27-3. Surgeon General Richard Carmona committed six errors in the loss, and was reportedly inconsolable after the game. "I hate those cocky bastards over at Defense," he cried. Tommy Thompson tried to calm him, but to no avail.
The championship game was filled with action. The first run was scored when Donald Rumsfeld beat out an infield single, scoring William Kristol from third base. The Supreme Court answered with three home runs in the bottom of the inning, hit by Antonin Scalia, Anthony Kennedy and Ruth Bader Ginsburg. The Court then went on to load the bases, but a base running error by Justice John Paul Stevens got the DOD out of the inning.
The two sides traded blows for the next few innings, and the Court went into the bottom of the seventh down by one run.
With one out and runners on first and third, Justice Clarence Thomas hit a line drive single to center field. DOD center fielder Paul Wolfowitz, instead of throwing to second to hold the runners, came up firing to the plate. Justice Sandra Day-O'Connor rounded third, and headed right for DOD catcher Richard Perle. In a magnificent collision, Perle dropped the ball, and the winning run scored. Day-O'Connor pumped her fist and shouted "Yeah!" after the score.
This is the first time the Court has won the Championship. The Justices went to a local Hooters to celebrate their victory.
Reached for comment, a dejected Donald Rumsfeld said, "This is the worst thing to happen to the DOD all year."
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