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Barry Bonds Faints While Waiting for Burger King Order
Long years of standing in the summer sunshine finally took their toll on Barry Bonds.
The San Francisco Giants slugger, who complained on MLB.com about the rigors of being on one's feet for a few hours at a time, was cruelly forced to wait more than three minutes inside a Burger King restaurant for a Whopper done his way.
Apparently believing that his order would be ready in a jiffy, Bonds made the tragic mistake of standing near the pick-up counter while he waited for it, rather than sitting down or leaning on something. Anything.
Witnesses reported that the alleged steroid user suddenly went pale and collapsed into the Yu-Gi-Oh! The Movie toy display. Rumors that a "Fiend Kraken" toy lodged itself within one of Bonds' orifices were painfully confirmed.
Paramedics slit open Bonds' jeans and used deep tissue massage to work the blood pooled in his legs back to his heart. They also discovered that, in addition to having a clinically acute case of varicose veins, the hypersensitive star was wearing industrial-strength makeup to mask the condition.
"It's the kind of stuff we see on the drag queens after a bad Karaoke night in Chinatown," one of the paramedics said. "Not that there's ever a good drag queen Karaoke night in Chinatown," he added.
Another paramedic on the scene, a white female who spoke on condition of anonymity, told DeadBrain, "If you went black with Barry, you'd probably go back."
Frederick "Freerk" Von Aken, Captain of the Queen's Guard at London's Buckingham Palace, greeted the news of Bonds' fainting spell with typical derision. Von Aken, a renowned expert on standing still for long periods of time, scoffed and said, "Didn't anyone tell the stupid git to flex his leg muscles every once in a while? Lazy ball shagger."
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