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NHL Camps Will Not Open; Pee Wee Hockey League Enrollment Soars
At a press conference, the NHL Board of Governors stated that when the Collective Bargaining Agreement expires, there will be no hockey until a new agreement is made.
In an eerie coincidence, Pee Wee hockey leagues around the United States and Canada have reported an enrollment surge that hasn't been seen since the Miracle Olympics of 1980.
Red "Butt" Fredler, Commissioner of the Association of Pee Wee Sports, commented, "We haven't seen enrollment like this in over twenty years. We're glad to see that the youth of today show enthusiasm for such a great sport as ice hockey."
However, not everyone is as thrilled as Mr. Fredler over the influx of new players. Fennimore Morgan, coach of the PW 1365 "Whalers," says there is tension amongst the new and returning players.
"The new guys just came in and took over. There's no respect for our returning players at all. Take one of our new guys, Christopher Chelios. Look at him out there, he towers over all the other kids. But his parents insist that he's just big-boned and coming off a summer growth spurt. He's got an attitude too. Just yesterday he was assessed a team fine of twenty five cents for calling a fellow defenseman a 'gutless pansy.'"
Chelios is not the only new guy causing trouble in the Pee Wee sector. Teams throughout the league are reporting an increase in hazing rituals; one poor PeeWeer reported being taped inside his locker by a couple of 'new' players.
"This is utterly ridiculous," Morgan continued. "I think the league should look into these new players. Something isn't right."
There have also been several reports about some of the new players and residency requirement problems. Morgan again: "I have this one new kid, Jerry Jagr, whose telephone number has a weird area code. He claimed, through an interpreter, that it's the new cell phone prefix, but I have my doubts."
Back on the NHL front, the Players' Association stated that they will not back down, and are willing to sit out as long as possible to get what is rightfully theirs.
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