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NFL, NBA, MLB to Ratify "No Guarantee Rule"
In an uncharacteristic gesture of solidarity, the three major professional sports leagues have put a moratorium on athletes predicting the outcome of future games.
With a recent string of high profile predictions, and results that are the complete opposite, the commissioners of the "Big Three" wish to curtail future speculation.
"Look folks," quipped NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue, "we're tired of individuals like Ray Lewis, Chad Johnson, and Randy Moss making silly 'we'll win on Sunday guarantees' like they're some kind of clairvoyant magicians. A murderer, loudmouth and illiterate, yes. Fortune tellers, no."
This rule change comes on the heels of the much-maligned "no more choreographed TD celebrations rule." When pressed for further comment, under the allegations that they were becoming the "no-fun-league," Tagliabue exploded. "Who is Ray Lewis kidding anyway? I'm not sure the Ravens have won a football game since Super Bowl XXXV. And what was Chad Johnson's last promise? 'I'll get more gold teeth?' Who cares? You folks want an iron clad prediction? Try this on for size, Randy Moss won't block on running plays next season."
NBA Commissioner David Stern was quick to support the NFL. "I'm tired of the Rasheed Wallaces of the world talkin' junk. He said he 'guaranteed' a win versus Cleveland on Tuesday. Guess what Rasheed, I guarantee you scored seven points and lost by two. That's right, you missed ten shots. How the hell did you even get in to the University of North Carolina?"
MLB Commissioner Bud Selig agreed as well. "I just thank God we're not talking about steroids anymore. We need to put an end to making pre game predictions. After all, isn't that why Pete Rose isn't in the Hall of Fame? He decided to put his money where his mouth was…"
Immediately following the press conference, the fat roll on the back of Barry Bonds' head and neck predicted that it would hit home run number 715 in the coming week if it were able to get a pitch to swing at.
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