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Jose Canseco Plans Comeback
In early 2005, Jose Canseco blew the lid off baseball's steroid scandal with his book Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big. In it, he admitted that he and dozens of other players took what they euphemistically called "B-12 shots."
Recently, however, Canseco was stunned to learn that his longtime steroid dealer had been deceiving him all along, and that he actually was getting B-12 shots, or aspirin, or sugar pills, or in one case, a hot fudge sundae with special "steroid sprinkles." Turns out they were merely regular sprinkles.
"I was enraged," said Canseco, who retired from baseball in 2001. "And not the good kind of 'roid rage, but just a normal kind of rage, like skinny people get."
Despite not taking performance enhancing drugs, Canseco packed on sixty pounds of muscle during his career due to the placebo effect, which can have a strong influence on the weak-minded and professional athletes in particular.
"All that time, I thought I was a juicer," said Canseco. "A bad boy. But I was really just some guy who trained hard and got big. Anyone can do that. I did once have a brief affair with Madonna, though. Remember when that hit the news? That was cool."
Now that he's learned that he was playing fairly all along, Canseco has managed to secure some real steroids and put on twenty more pounds of muscle in just three weeks. He expects to gain another forty or fifty by next spring, when he will attempt to join a major league team and continue his career.
"I'll be 300 pounds of pure muscle by then, possibly 320," said Canseco. "If I don't make a team for some reason, I'll try my hand at wrestling or kicking sand in the faces of puny guys on the beach."
In the meantime he's writing a sequel to his book, tentatively titled The Purpose Driven Life: What Purpose? Juice!
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